"Hope is Paralyzing"

Hope...is a lie. Everyone tells you to have hope. Have faith (not in regards to religion). But I heard a character state in a show once (because I love TV) that "hope is paralyzing," and he was right. Hope makes you hold on. Hope makes you believe that something will happen, when ultimately, there is actually the tiniest chance.... Hope breaks your heart, makes you weak. It makes you stand still in one place thinking that if you just hold on long enough--have hope--then things may just go your way, you might just get exactly that for which you are hoping. If having hope means that I have to continue to stand still, well, then I just refuse---I would rather be hopeless.

Accepting Fate

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” 

― Lemony Snicket

I have long been in denial of what my life was turning into. I pushed back the idea that I was heading in a direction that was going to guarantee that I ended up alone. I thought "oh, I have time," or "he's right, we aren't ready yet," or "it's all good, I have my friends, I'll find someone eventually." Now, I am coming to an age and a time where I am really accepting that all of those things I told myself were just to comfort myself because deep down, I knew the truth--- You don't have as much time as you think you do, we WERE ready, and it wasn't all good....I wasn't--and am not--finding anyone, I was, and am, too broken.

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” 

― Allen Saunders

When you are young, you think there is so much time for everything. You think, "I need to finish school first." Then finishing school turns into needing a job. Having a job turns into needing a place of your own, a car of your own...things. Then before you know it, time has flown by you. You think it is standing still, because technically, you are. YOU are the one standing still. You did the things expected of you, but none of the things that make life worth living. Yes, it is good to be stable, but people forget to take off their blinders and reap the collateral benefits of life.

Now I am at a point, that I would not necessarily say that I am old, but I am old-er than most out there trying to find someone to call theirs. Most of my friends have been long settled down and married, have stable homes and families with stellar jobs and take family vacations and have family traditions, etc etc etc.... Then there's me, struggling to maintain. Period. I thought that I was close, a couple of times. I know that I was in love at least twice. I will not delve into dramatic details but when it is all said and done, you realize how much time has gone by... you realize what you have missed out on....

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.” 
― Thomas Merton, Love and Living

It's not like I didn't try. It's not like I didn't want for what everyone else has. It's not that I planned to be a single mother and wonder if I am ever going to do things, like afford my own home and afford to be able to give my son the same kind of life all his friends have. It just sort of came about that way....and I would not change a single day that I have had and will have with my little minion....I just wish I could give him more.....give him the life that he deserves....and I feel like I am failing at that everyday.

I definitely tried. I tried with someone who I spent 4 years with and we just never got it right. Then i spent 11 years trying with someone...that was a doozy. I still love him...I will probably always love him, but I am not 100% sure if he ever really loved me. He says he did. He says that he doesn't understand what I mean when I say that. I was young when we met. I didn't have any clue of who I really was because I had literally just stepped foot out of the relationship that I previously mentioned. I never grew in that relationship and I didn't take time to grow before I stepped foot into my next one. But I loved him....and I was so sure that he loved me that I would go to the ends of the Earth. At least I thought that I was doing everything that I could. I don't really know what changed, all I know is that something did....and there we were, stuck in a situation-ship neither one of us knew how to deal with. So he ended it--but not really. Then after began a tumultuous 7 years of what-the-fuck between the two of us that culminated in each of us having children by other people....that's just grazing it and putting it lightly. We both did wrong, but if you know the intricate details--it's not so neatly wrapped with a bow. Anyway....now I am old(-er), with a child and two jobs and stress up to my eyeballs. I barely have time to pee, let alone date. AND even if I did have time to date, I would kind of need some men to ask me on one. The offers I do get are to "kick it," or "hook up" or "hang out." I don't want to "kick it" anymore. Ain't nobody got time for that jazz.

Then people want to say that I'm just picky, but I do not think that me expecting someone to have a job, a car, maybe their own place but not a requirement, I don't judge as I live with my mother--times are hard, man--but some stability. Not just running around, expecting whatever chick they are with that week to take care of them. I don't think that it is me being picky to expect to be attracted to someone in some kind of manner--Yes, he IS nice, but he is also the OPPOSITE of my type and NO amount of nice is going to help with that, I'm sorry. It always cracks me up that people expect me to date someone just because they are nice or have money but there is absolutely no chemistry when they would not do such a thing. People have chemistry. That's what sparks things. I'm nice. Being nice hasn't worked for me.

I absolutely hate when people say to me "You're so pretty. Don't think like that, you'll find someone." Apparently, being pretty doesn't help me and I feel like your friends are not allowed to tell you that you are ugly and going to end up an old miserable spinster with several cats watching wheel of fortune and scaring all the little kids away from my dark and miserable house. Your friends can tell you that you are crazy; they can call you a bitch, but that--that is something they are not allowed to tell you--that and that you're fat. It's like, against friend rules.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming - well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan, The Hundred Secret Senses

I know that I am accepting more and more every day that I may not be built to be in a relationship. That maybe there is not anyone who can deal with me. That as much as I love people, people don't always love me. Maybe I am actually meant to be alone. I am learning to accept my fate.

“It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice.” 
― Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

Being yourself is hard

Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.                 Bertrand Russell

I realize now that somewhere along the way, there was someone who did something so influential, that it changed the person I was. I realize now that there was someone who I let make me a different person. I realize now that it was a friend, a parent, a family member.... I realize now that I never should have let that happen. I never should have let people try to make me into what they considered "normal". I was normal. I AM normal. In my own way, but I am normal. I like to write. I like to draw. I like to craft things, learn new things, sing and dance to anything that I can (even if it is not Bey' level), I like to laugh---Loudly. I realize now that these are not things that I should have been ashamed of or attempted to change about myself because it made everyone else comfortable....

Now here's the kicker....if I realize all these things, why can't I just stop caring and be the person that I am? The person that I want others to realize I am? Why is that latent fear of rejection still hanging around? Why is it that I STILL give two sh*ts and a holler about what anyone else thinks? 

Being yourself is hard..... 

Getting Myself Back

It's ok to let yourself go,
As long as you can get yourself back....

                                                              Mick Jagger

Well, it has been a very long while since I have done this. I don't know that I was necessarily blocked....just...got lost in translation for a little bit. I was down and out and didn't really know what to do about it. Seeing all my friends' lives flourish and take shape....I am not jealous, I am so very happy for them, but I can't help but wonder, what about me? What about my life? What about my son's life?

I would not say that our life is difficult by any far stretch of the imagination, but everyone has their struggles. I would love to just find someone and be happy. Normal happy. Like, we like each other, we go on dates, we fall in love, we get engaged, we get married, we live life, happy. I know that nothing is a fairy tale, I don't have those types of delusions, but I do want someone to share the struggles with...someone who is willing to share the struggles with me.

I was in this relationship--if you could call it that--for the past goodness-knows-how-many years. I thought that it was right. I thought that if I did all this stuff, he would eventually figure out that I was the one he needed to be with, but I was wrong. I was naive. As old as I am and I was still dumb as hell, especially when it came to him....to love..... He always told me how miserable I made him. That he hated me. I would leave and he would call. That same old story. Then I left for graduate school. I begged him to come with me....he said no. I figured then, maybe we weren't really meant to be. It wasn't like I was asking him to leave anything behind....I mean, he loved me, wasn't I everything? He didn't work. He didn't love his life or anything, he just didn't want to come with me. Said that he wanted me to "concentrate on school." Well, that would be well and good if I wasn't driving back and forth from school to see someone who could have come with me....who could've been there when I needed soup when I was sick or dropped me off in a blizzard or made sure I did freak out at exam time. That would have helped me focus on school a bit more in my opinion....I digress....this wasn't really supposed to be about him.....we can talk more about him later.....

Anyway, I really just want to be....free. I want to be the person that I see myself as. I don't want to be afraid of that. I want someone who falls in love with that. Someone who isn't just trying to change me into what they want me to be. Adult-ing is hard.

Sorry for the jumbled mess of words....I'll get better....I realize I have kind of lost my way without something to focus my thoughts. I hope this is the start of a beautiful thing......

Being Nice Sucks

I have this problem with the word "no." I don't know why. I hate it. However I probably hate saying "no" more than I hate that I hate saying it. Get that? I think that I'm so afraid that answering in the negative will make people not like me that I just, well, don't. It's just easier to bear the burden of whatever it is than it is to say "no." 

However, in very recent years, that outlook has begun to change. It's not that I want to be mean or come off as angry or bitter, but I'm just tired of being nice. People are not grateful for, appreciative of, or nice to nice people. It's not that I want people to walk around paying homage or anything I just want to be treated with some type of respect. I want people to treat me as they want to be treated. It's like we forget that golden rule. It almost makes me scared to teach Sylus to be nice. I don't want him to be taken advantage of or mistreated because he is nice. 

It's hard for us sensitive and sweet folks out here. No joke.  

Getting Reacquainted with Life

Soooooo its been well over a month since the bar exam. I've become rather complacent in my time off. Idk if it has just been denial or if I'm just that damn lazy but I think it is time that I figure out what it is that I like to do in my spare time. Maybe actually finish some things that have just been screaming at me for my time, my hair, nails, etc etc... 

I've also put much thought into this job thing. This is the longest I've ever gone without having a job. I am sure that I am more afraid than anything because I hate feeling pressure/expectations. For some odd reason, just because I have a J D, I'm supposed to be some type of genius. O_o Although I'm pretty sure that I am, and humility is my greatest virtue, it doesn't mean that I just automatically know everything, it means I have an incredible thirst and capacity for knowledge. I'm not just born knowing it, I actually have to learn it, but people pose these long monologues with a sudden question at the very end and look at me like I'm supposed automatically have the answer to that specific situation stored in my head and look at me like they're so disappointed that I would have the audacity to say "can I look into that?" 

Well **newsflash** I'm not google. But I will be ever so delighted to learn it from google and charge you $500/hr to research your issue come November once I'm licensed (fingers crossed), ooorrrrrr you can be delighted that I would use my free time to find information that you can use now to at least point you in the proper direction since I cannot actually help you and have no actual obligation to help you. 

On another note, I'm getting stir crazy. I neeeeeed to get out. But where do you go when you're broke? So therefore, job it is. Time to get reacquainted with this life now that I finally finished that other one :/ until next time... 

Remember to pay it forward.

Love and Peace

hearts&hugs

 

Being the Bigger Person

People always say "you have to be the bigger person." However, I'm thinking they only mean that if it entails doing what THEY think you should do....but that's not the case. Sometimes being the bigger person means doing the things that NO ONE wants to do because, well, lets face it, we all have our pride. 

Being the bigger person is always easier said than done. When do you cut it off? I mean, at some point  you just have to stop. Maybe sometimes being the bigger person means just that...that you just stop talking to that person as opposed to just choking the hell out of them for treating you in such a monstrous way. 

My biggest issue with being the bigger person is the way people judge you. Is it that people only want you to be the biggest person if it concerns them? Is it that they want you to do what THEY think you should do in the situation as opposed to what you feel in your heart is appropriate and required of you to become "the bigger person?" ***NEWSFLASH*** I probably do not live by the same moral compass as you do, hence why I do things a bit differently than you might do them. 

Fact is, everyone has their own cut off point. I probably haven't reached mine yet, or maybe I have more insight then you do. Advice is one thing, but getting mad at me because I don't follow it to the letter is too much, especially when unsolicited. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I also don't appreciate feeling belittled because "that's not what you would have done." 

That's probably why you're not me. 

Hugs&Hearts